another test

blogging w e phone is kinda slow. can watch youtube videos though. cool. let's try uploading a photo. i like angel's stink!

ok it is apparently impossible to upload stuff directly from e phone. oh well bb.

=)

 

One day, Love met Friendship. Love asked: “why do you exist when there’s already me?” Friendship then replied: “To put smiles where you leave tears.”
-28 June 2004-

Found my diaries from when i was sweet (and volatile) 16, and from end 2001 – mid 2007. Nearly 10 whole years ago already. Reading some of e entries really made me laugh. At least now i know the crisises which seem like the end of the world now will blow over eventually, until i wont even remember most of the details.

It actually took me so so so many years to properly get over lyz. Retardedness. yah. anyway read that quote up there  in my diary, and forgot where i copied it from, but it aptly sums up friendship. or at least in my life.

and too much slacking is really awfully drainingly boring

half a year has gone

so quickly.. and it’s already 9 days into 2009.

so i asked 2 blog posts ago, when i look back would i laugh or cry. now i know.

i’ve graduated. i’ve laughed. i’ve cried. i’ve gone running off to elisa’s place in the middle of the night. i’ve settled in nicely. i’ve got to settle out again. i’ve drunk like mad. i’ve made the people who love me worry. i’ve successfully pretended to be blind and deaf. i’ve completed another semester of my new course. i’ve got to decide wth do i want to do w my life in the next month or so.

it sucks when things never turn out the way you want them too. and it sucks when people are so full of excuses and crap.

going to have to learn to stand on my own. tired with dealing. problems here, problems there. but am really really sick of sg. i really wish i didn't come back this time round. hiah. oh well. anyway just dled the latest version of msn. it’s kinda cool. and this windows live writer thingy actually shows how the post’s going to look like. damn cool. yea.

looking back on how things have changed. turns out that all our lives have moved in ways that we would never have dreamed of. yy’s travelling up and down visiting her nan ren. joycelyn’s started work and is working shifts, she’s also studied in oz and travelled around so much. ailing’s been to the states for training and moving on in her life, staying strong in the face of all the difficulties she’s had to face, but still as down to earth as ever, hk’s now an sg girl, flying around the world, also having had to deal with what life threw at her. june’s already applied for a flat w her bf. the rest are working and moving on in life. xr’s also gone through much, showing her concern from so far away when i was down and whiny. mich’s also w sia, flying around the world. suet’s starting on a new course. stef’s working. ant’s starting work in feb. everyone’s grown so much through life.

i must say though, as much as the guys in my life suck, i’ve been blessed with really wonderful friends, guys and girls alike.

Thank God for this group of friends, who’ve seen each other through our ups and downs, and whose friendship remains as strong as ever. =)

is there?

is there anyone in the world who will love me unconditionally, however imperfect i am,

whatever, whererever, whenever, however, forever.

humans were just not created to be contented beings....?

完完全全的爱着不完美的我

a new chapter?

has a new chapter begun? is it just begining? or have i just totally screwed up everything again?

i'm in this state where i'm stuck between moving forwards and moving back. since nothing's settled yet, and i do have a flight booked back in sep.. sometimes i really feel like i should just go back after all. run away. close the door. never ever know.

the chickens were sent to their deaths on monday. i'm sorry, i really really am.. friends have and friends are going back. at the same time, close friends are leaving singapore. the group's shrunk so much. even my mentor may be leaving, without a word. have i made the most of what i was given? do i even want to take that step forward? what's left here? what's left there? can life ever be as it was before?

there's doubt and there's unbelief. hanging nowhere is tiring.

in the midst of packing up. so much has happened, so much has changed. how much more will things change in this coming year? will i look back again with tears or smiles?

it's possible for someone to drown and fly at the same time. which sucks.

chickens have an average lifespan of over 12 years.

12 years.

my little ones are not even 8 months old. they havent even lived out 10% of their noisy little lives. and it's all my freaking fault. i make one shitass owner. I shouldn't have encouraged jace in getting the chickens. i shouldnt have assumed that the farms would be willing to take them in. i should have tried to make them friendlier, less peckish. 3 roosters. even chicken loving people think roosters should just be eaten. just like that.

yes, they may just be chickens. insignificant, noisy, stupid chickens. but still. they have brains, however small, and hearts, which beat, which pumps their lifeforce through their fluffy little bodies.

this just feels so shitty. i know most people probably cannot understand what all the fuss is about. is it that incredulous to be crying over chickens? are they not living breathing creations of God? they do have characters, as chicks they provided comfort and a safe outlet of expression when i needed to talk to something that would listen and not judge.

whatever it is, these 3 little ones dont have much time left, i suppose. unless by some miracle, somebody decides to adopt them. is there a heaven for animals? sometimes it's really so much easier to work with animals, to relate to animals. Dear God, please look after these 3 chickens, wherever they go. I know You have a heart for all your created beings, even the tiniest worm, and whatever it is, i admit my fault in this, but please please please just watch over them. and i thank you for my extremely tolerant neighbours. please also watch over dear angel-dog lord. and my family.

run dear vea, nestle dear gentle starburst and crow my fat friday. i'm sorry for being such a shitasss human. forgive me?

back from sunny gold coast.

.

unfortunately, mood is not at all sunny.

why is it that it's always so easy to point out what's wrong in others, in plans, in everything?

.

humans can be really pretty awful at times.

not targeting anyone in particular, just another random observation

or maybe it's just me

crappy grumpy irritable pmsy me

THEY AGREED!!

they agreed they agreed they agreed they agreeeeeedddddd!!

THEY AGREED TO LET ME STAY!

oh thank you dear Lord! and thank you dear parents!

.

Bee was right. i should not even have thought about compromising His plans for me, thank you that she managed to drill some sense into me. thank you for the people you've put in my life lord, bee, logan, mx, anthony, each and every one who's ever encouraged me to stay strong and focused, to try my best, for mx's testimony and logan's points, for bee's persistance and everyone's prayers, for ah kim's calmness, and for the softening of the parents' hearts.

.

thank you thank you thank you. for everything. and everyone.

.

now please help me through this assignment.. and thank you lord for the time spent with dear joycelyn again today @ dracula's restaurant. thank you for narnia. thank you for me. and thank you for YOU lord.