dearest blog,
it's finally finally over.. so i guess i should be happy now.. though i dont exactly feel like rejoicing~ oh well.. life goes on.. and on and on.. ahha and anyway we're jsut ordinary ppl leading ordinary lives. or at least i am.. and i dun want it to change. i suppose..

*take care.. and drink lots of water.. and maybe when enuff time has gone by we can finally think back of those days and smile.*

-liping-

dear blog,
should i or should i NOT reply to him? half of me wants to and the other half is afraid to. i dun wanna make things even worse.. or end up digging up hurtful memories of the past.. i dun wanna change my impression of him and of us in the past..

and i know that the person i'm still missing is not the present him, but the him of the past. the unscheming faithful him who would really do anything for me. yes.. there was once a time when he was like that. though tt was really a loooong looooong long time ago.. so what good will it do to bring everything up again? he already has a partner.. and if i'm not wrong its the same person whom he dumped me for. so i still dont see what's the point!

it's so much easier to forgive... but it's kind of impossible to forget.. if it's just forgivness he want.. i've forgiven him long ago.. and i hope i've been forgiven too.. i know i wasn't a good gf.. but at least i never cheated on him in thoughts and in action.. the hatred's gone.. but the hurt hasnt. really.. and reading his messages just makes me think of what might have been..

i'm glad the sars thing broke out when it did. cos the extra month of holidays gave me another month to lock myself in my room and cry it all out.. 3months. it took me 3 months of crying every night.. and sometimes in class.. in places we used to frequent.. but the friends that i'd forgotten then didn't give up on me.. and i'm glad i had them.. everyday then was like a show i had to act out.. do u know? but then.. it doesnt matter anyway now.

i dont understand guys.. really i dont. when we were together he used to like yishun where she stayed. so what's the point of being more alert in yck now? i really really dont understand.. there's no point in bringing up the past again.

i'm just so afraid that meeting him.. or for that matter, any form of contact with him will just turn me into a freaking wreck once again. the situation between mich and her ex doesnt seem to be doing her any good.. even now he's still hurting her with his selfishness.. i'm just so afraid that i'll lose all resolve if i see him again... the him that exists in my dreams and memories is still the sweet and loving him.. so how can i face him now as a stranger?

love,
liping

to: a certain someone...

if u've somehow managed to find ur way here then i guess i'm glad u'll be reading this.. i couldn't express my feelings in friendster. but then i do wanna get it off my chest and a part of me has never ever forgotten u. but i know we can NEVER get together again.. u wouldnt want it. and i can say neither do i.. though it's still a struggle.. even after so long.. how can i ever forget this piece of my history? there were happy memories and there were sad ones. and the hurt still exists. do u know that i went about without feelings for the next 6months after that? even now i just subconciously shut out all sad memories and events.. yet because it's locked away so far back i cannot reach into me and dig out those memories. and get rid of them. do u know that.

do u know that when i saw that i saw that i had received a msg from a justin i couldn't believe my eyes. do u know that when i clicked on the link my heart was thumping like mad. do u know that i was crying while reading ur msg? do u know that it still hurts so much in the night. do u know that the little jumping bean we bought suddenly hatched into a moth after i'd ignored it for 3months. do u know how happy i was when it hatched? but i guess u'd thrown ur beans away. do u remember the hamster chestnut i bought with u? it died.. exactly 2 yrs later... do u know that i still have whatever u gave me that i hadn't thrown away in our quarrels? do u know that i was so horribly heartbroken when u said maybe one day u'd learn to appreciate the gifts i'd made for u. each grain of rice was filled with my love for u. and u threw it back in my face. do u know how hurt i was when u accused me of trying to ruin ur friendshipp with kenny when i truly did symphatise with him and at that point of time i was able to relate to him cos we were both sufferring? do u know that when u said "good show" and walked off you broke my already shattered heart? do u know that i still have the letterbook we once shared and the few letters u wrote. i cannot read them without crying.. even now.. i've tried but i cant. they still bring back too many memories.. and empty promises.. the bear and the cushions u bought for her... the presents u were already giving her.. the feeling of finding out that u were just keeping me for a spare tyre if u were rejected again..

i've always wondered if u still remembered me.. and wondered if we could ever be friends again.. and i've always though the answer was no. yes i remember that night we met. and i am still unsure if i hate u. most of the time i dont. i really dont. i've even prayed for ur happiness with whoever u have chosen. i dun mean to sound all pathetic and lovesick.. but i do need to get this all out.. and it really feels much better now.

i know i had my faults too.. and that the more i tried to squeeze in the more u wanted out.. but i really never meant to do so out of spite.. i guess i was very insercure.. but then.. the more u tried to get away the more sercurity i needed..
i have passed my driving.. i passed 2.5 months ago.. and i cannot reply ur msg. not becaused i'm pissed. but because i'm still confused.

we have had happy times and memories.. but if i had a choice to turn time back.. i'd choose to forgo getting involved with u.. so that we could retain the feelings we'd had for each other. the magic of a crush untainted by the hurt of anger, betrayal, jealously and spite.. and by the unkindness and mean words of others. and maybe if we hadnt got together i'd still have the heart and courage to love another guy without the expectations and comparisons tt just pop out subconsciously. and i've never found u ugly.. u are not ugly..

young.. and foolish.. and childish.. i'm not so young now.. but still as foolish.. but i'm glad to have heard from u.. we may never again be friends.. but at least there's finally a closure to this chapter.
love,liping