to: a certain someone...

if u've somehow managed to find ur way here then i guess i'm glad u'll be reading this.. i couldn't express my feelings in friendster. but then i do wanna get it off my chest and a part of me has never ever forgotten u. but i know we can NEVER get together again.. u wouldnt want it. and i can say neither do i.. though it's still a struggle.. even after so long.. how can i ever forget this piece of my history? there were happy memories and there were sad ones. and the hurt still exists. do u know that i went about without feelings for the next 6months after that? even now i just subconciously shut out all sad memories and events.. yet because it's locked away so far back i cannot reach into me and dig out those memories. and get rid of them. do u know that.

do u know that when i saw that i saw that i had received a msg from a justin i couldn't believe my eyes. do u know that when i clicked on the link my heart was thumping like mad. do u know that i was crying while reading ur msg? do u know that it still hurts so much in the night. do u know that the little jumping bean we bought suddenly hatched into a moth after i'd ignored it for 3months. do u know how happy i was when it hatched? but i guess u'd thrown ur beans away. do u remember the hamster chestnut i bought with u? it died.. exactly 2 yrs later... do u know that i still have whatever u gave me that i hadn't thrown away in our quarrels? do u know that i was so horribly heartbroken when u said maybe one day u'd learn to appreciate the gifts i'd made for u. each grain of rice was filled with my love for u. and u threw it back in my face. do u know how hurt i was when u accused me of trying to ruin ur friendshipp with kenny when i truly did symphatise with him and at that point of time i was able to relate to him cos we were both sufferring? do u know that when u said "good show" and walked off you broke my already shattered heart? do u know that i still have the letterbook we once shared and the few letters u wrote. i cannot read them without crying.. even now.. i've tried but i cant. they still bring back too many memories.. and empty promises.. the bear and the cushions u bought for her... the presents u were already giving her.. the feeling of finding out that u were just keeping me for a spare tyre if u were rejected again..

i've always wondered if u still remembered me.. and wondered if we could ever be friends again.. and i've always though the answer was no. yes i remember that night we met. and i am still unsure if i hate u. most of the time i dont. i really dont. i've even prayed for ur happiness with whoever u have chosen. i dun mean to sound all pathetic and lovesick.. but i do need to get this all out.. and it really feels much better now.

i know i had my faults too.. and that the more i tried to squeeze in the more u wanted out.. but i really never meant to do so out of spite.. i guess i was very insercure.. but then.. the more u tried to get away the more sercurity i needed..
i have passed my driving.. i passed 2.5 months ago.. and i cannot reply ur msg. not becaused i'm pissed. but because i'm still confused.

we have had happy times and memories.. but if i had a choice to turn time back.. i'd choose to forgo getting involved with u.. so that we could retain the feelings we'd had for each other. the magic of a crush untainted by the hurt of anger, betrayal, jealously and spite.. and by the unkindness and mean words of others. and maybe if we hadnt got together i'd still have the heart and courage to love another guy without the expectations and comparisons tt just pop out subconsciously. and i've never found u ugly.. u are not ugly..

young.. and foolish.. and childish.. i'm not so young now.. but still as foolish.. but i'm glad to have heard from u.. we may never again be friends.. but at least there's finally a closure to this chapter.
love,liping