in a very SHITTY mood.

what did i do today?

i cried on the bus. and all the way home. and sat in the grass. and looked at the flowers. and the bee and the spider and the dandelion. and cried somemore.

does God love me because of WHO I AM or who i am to become? if He created me to be me, why do they want me to PRETEND to be someone i am NOT? was i not created to live my life? yes, i want to grow to be like Christ. but that is a journey i make at my own time, growth through experience and His love, not by blindly obeying the values and beliefs you impose. that is not growth. that is pretending. hypocrisy. double standards. and i dont want to pretend to be happy, to pretend to make you happy for all it's worth. what is it worth anyway?

let me make this clear. i live my life for myself and God. my walk with Him is between myself and God. you can try to counsel, reubuke, whatever, but do not try to dictate. i know my limits. do you know yours? you may be disappointed in me. but do you know how disappointed i am in you too?

i miss sg, and my SN sisters, and their support and love and their balanced perspectives, being able to talk to them and share our views and not be judged, and i realised just how very much i miss Angel. my source of absolute, unpretentious, unconditional love. since when has it become wrong to love? since when has something between 2 people become the topic of an entire community? when it leads to sin? what thing on earth does NOT lead to sin in one way or another? will avoiding something totally prevent it from happening?

just. stop. it. and. leave. me. alone. PLEASE!