super long post ahead!

went to the suzuki night market with steph & jace last night.. it's full of ethnic stuff at ridiculous prices! these people should visit chinatown in sg, or the angpow river during CNY. think they'll be super entertained there.

and i suspect the food section would have smelt alot better if i wasnt so full after dinner too.. hehe. some of the food looked quite good though. mmmmm~

the lights in the background are really pretty in real life, and super expensive! $69 for one set of coloured *plastic?* shapes which you interlock to form a ball. really really pretty!

couldnt catch the colors of the casing thingy (aka the balls) though.

the camera doesnt seem to take photos very well in dim lighting.

after that, we walked to QV, and took photos of and with the lone lonely christmas tree sitting all by itself in the middle of the square.
when you have nothing to do, take plenty of photos!
so, steph and me:
steph & jace:
and jace & me (pls ignore that wierd facial expression):
and then, we walked on to federation square, and took more photos!

fed square is full of orbs. ghosts! whooooooo~

hugging:

and more hugging:

and more pics
and the blue stick-tower thingy that steph is obsessed with for some unknown reason.
look! another ghost!
and the yarra river area. this stretch reminds me of clarke quay. =)

~end of happy part of post~

________________________________________________________

tlp tlp tlp, you need to stop kidding yourself.

met him for lunch yesterday, wanted to clarify a few things, but couldnt bring up the questions once again. and anyway i got my answers indirectly i guess, just that my damned self refuses to believe the freaking obvious. he never asked about how i was doing, nor did he display any interest in wanting to know, and he was avoiding eye contact as much as possible. lunch consisted of mainly cordial, polite conversation, revolving mainly around the chickens. guess he was really pretty awkward. tlp, it's time to let go, girl. Seriously, stop kidding yourself.

was reading my diary, and the previous entries all revolved ard him. why do i always do that? tlp.... you need to learn girl, learn! wake up now!

you know, when people say "it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", i never know what's my stand on that. at the start of each r/s, i fully believe it's true, that you have to go through each experience because you'll never know if you never try. yet when things end, all the hurt and pain really makes me wish i'd never opened myself to such hurt in the first place. but yet, if we were able to turn time back, i'm sure i'd still choose to walk the same path. so am i stupid, stubborn, or just plain crazy?

woke up this morning and prayed, and made the decision to surrender everything to God, all the broken dreams, expectations and plans. it's like in these downcast times, the hymns we used to sing in pri and sec school really do come back and offer comfort.

"Take all that daily toil, plants in our hearts poor soil, take all we start and spoil, each hopeful dream, the chances we have missed, the graces we resist, Lord in your Eucharist, take and redeem". - one of the songs we used to sing at communion.

the lyrics have always stirred something in me, and well, today, it just made the tears flow. it's a decision i've been seriously struggling with, to release the anchor holding me down, preventing me from moving on, to stop playing this tug of war with Him, to really ask Him to untie the knots in this pathetic heart of mine. EVERYDAY, it becomes a new struggle, EVERYDAY i have to remake the decision not cling on to hope that is not there, to turn back again. He has given me plenty of strength and help in this period, but i've been fighting it, hoping against hope, that things will change. Well, things are pretty clear now, and i hope He gives me the strength and resolve to be steadfast in this decision.

talking about turning back again brings up another area i'm struggling with. gosh. is tlp totally problematic or what? all i want to do is to curl up in bed and sleep each day away. or to spend the day with people i'm really really close to, but THEY"RE NOT HERE. and being with steph and jace is comforting, but it also causes this pang in me. dont get me wrong though, i sincerely, really and truly wish them all the best, and am glad that they're able to be there for each other. Am finding it really hard to open up to others outside of this little circle, and am totally unmotivated to do so either.

went for another session at the golf driving range with logan, mx and suet again today, then to westfield. which brought on another surge of tears. freak. tlp is freakingly useless. another reminder to surrender all, to give everything back. am thankfully, it worked *at that point in time*. it's tiring though. the memories keep popping up, sometimes at the most unexpected moments, and trying to squash and clamp them down doesn't work, they'll just jump out again at another time. each memory pricks even more because all i can seem to remember are the GOOD memories. the early days, the gentle side of him, the small tiny moments of happiness. shit you tlp. serves you right for ignoring all the signs, for still trying to pretend, trying to make excuses, for not wanting to wake up.

and on a happier note, it feels good to be missed by the girls back home! i'm so sorry, but there really is no way i can come back earlier! miss you all lots... and you'll probably be super sick of my noisy antics by the end of jan! so, enjoy your peace while it lasts! *evil grin*